Dear Diary,
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, two‑leggers and four‑leggers alike. My name is Reggie, and I’ll be your stand‑up comedian tonight. Please hold your applause—my paws are very sensitive.
Let’s start with squirrels.
You ever notice squirrels act like they want to be chased but also immediately file a restraining order?
They sit there like, “Come get me, bro,” and the second I blink—POOF—they’ve entered another dimension.
I’m not saying squirrels are government drones… but I’ve never seen one pay taxes.
Now let’s talk about cats.
I live with cats.
Cats don’t walk—they judge the floor.
They look at me like, “You go outside? On purpose? In weather?”
Meanwhile, they knock stuff off counters just to make sure gravity still works.
I chase a squirrel? I’m “being dramatic.”
Cat knocks a glass off the counter at 3 a.m.?
“That was science.”
Naps.
People say, “Reggie, you nap a lot.”
Excuse me—I recharge.
I nap so hard I wake up tired.
Sometimes I nap about going on a walk.
That’s cardio for the brain.
Speaking of walks—
Walks are my favorite thing in the world, right up until about minute 47.
At minute 48, I suddenly remember I have knees.
I love walks so much that I pretend I don’t want to go, just to keep the humans emotionally invested.
You clip the leash? I’m ready.
You say “walk”? I suddenly can’t hear.
And lastly, back to squirrels—because honestly, they deserve a callback.
If I ever catch one, I don’t even know what I’d do.
Probably just stare at it like, “Well… this is awkward.”
Alright folks, that’s my time.
Tip your servers, pet your dogs, ignore the cats—they prefer it that way.
I’m off for a nap… because I’m exhausted from standing up.
Goodnight. 🐶💤