Dear Diary,
I have discovered my true calling.
Not model. Not athlete. Not “good boy” (that ship sailed years ago).
I am a seat warmer.
And also… an air quality disruptor.
Today I sat on everyone.
Mom? Sat on her.
Dad? Sat on him harder.
Other dogs? Absolutely sat on them like a throne made of regret.
You see, when I sit on someone, I become unstoppable. You can’t move me. You can’t reason with me. You definitely can’t escape once Phase Two begins.
Phase Two is when I drop it like it’s hot.
I don’t bark. I don’t warn. I don’t make eye contact.
I simply release… and let the consequences sort themselves out.
One second everyone is happy.
The next second they’re yelling my name like it’s a curse word.
“REGGIE!”
“OH MY GOD REGGIE.”
“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?”
WHY ARE YOU SITTING UNDER ME, HUMAN?
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
At one point I sat on a dog who was already sleeping. Didn’t even wake them up—just farted directly into the soul of the room. That’s dominance. That’s leadership.
I heard someone say, “It smells like something died.”
Excuse you. Something was born. A legacy.
Later, I pretended nothing happened. I stared off into the distance like a war hero remembering battles past. You can’t accuse a dog with this much confidence.
Anyway, I’m tired now from all the sitting and emotional damage.
Tomorrow I plan to repeat everything.
Sincerely,
Reggie
Professional Lap Crusher
Chair Thief
Silent But Deadly Legend 🐶💨